Disclaimer: As an enraged young commenter pointed out, this story is a bit sad and mean, despite also hopefully being sort of funny. If sad and mean isn’t your cup of tea, just enjoy the picture and skip this story. I won’t mind a bit. Feel free to read some of the other ones on the site, but those might be sort of sad and mean, too…for the record, I think unicorns are pretty great. Thanks. Feel free to comment.–mc
The Most Boring Man in the World had become separated from his team. He knew that this would be a mark against him in the Team-Building Scoring Matrix, but he had found it difficult to keep up with them through the Ropes Course and the Obstacle Maze and the Flag Hiding/Finding process. His foot had slipped off of a wooden beam as Sasha from Human Resources was screaming something about “staying on target” and “destroying those lame Silverbacks!” and he’d bitten the inside of his cheek. His blood tasted like batteries. He assumed that’s why his heart was able to pump; electricity provided by the pink bunny with the bass drum and the sunglasses. Not that he had a pink bunny in his heart. That would be gay.
The teams were named after Power Animals – animals that didn’t take no for an answer, just like the team-builders shouldn’t accept no, unless it was from a superior or a team leader or a client who they thought would enjoy saying no to someone and would then therefore be more likely to be a happy client. Otherwise, no No’s!
The Most Boring Man in the World’s team was called the Great White Sharks, because they were at the top of the food chain and had eyes that rolled over like black marbles when they chomped down on whatever it was they liked chomping on. Presumably, they rarely received a no. On those nature documentaries where the shark rose out of the water like a two-ton flower towards the bloody hunk of meat, its mouth would gape open and you could see the vast expanse of gum above the rows of jagged teeth, and every time, The Most Boring Man in the World thought about Arsenio Hall and his huge gums and whether his eyes rolled over like black marbles when he ate a burrito. Maybe that’s why he isn’t on TV anymore.
He wished the team had been called the Ankylosauruses because that was his favorite dinosaur when he was young, and he was pretty sure that an Ankylosaurus never had to take no for an answer, with their plated backs and armored tails. There was that one big NO from God when he threw an asteroid or whatever at earth, but if it was a no, it wasn’t a no that made the Ankylosaurus look bad in front of the other dinosaurs, which was really what you had to be worried about; being made to look bad was the worst! Instead, it was a no that killed everything on the planet, which at least was thorough, which is a good quality to have.
The Most Boring Man in the World stood in a clearing in the forest. He didn’t know how long he’d been separated from the other Great White Sharks. White flowers from a tree drifted gently down to the cool grass. A distant chiming of birdsong, lilting, yet somehow sad, echoed in the glen. That’s when he saw the unicorn.
He didn’t know what the word “iridescent” meant, but it suddenly came to mind. The animal was clean and white, with muscles sliding like the movement of a lake underneath the hide, which without touching, he knew was soft like earth. The unicorn twitched his head and the horn caught the sun, winking like a salmon leaping upstream. Bending one perfect knee, the unicorn bowed, his nose touching the ground, then looked up at The Most Boring Man in the World.
The pink bunny was working overtime as The Most Boring Man in the World bent stiffly at the waist, and looked into the unicorn’s black liquid eyes. He knew that he knew something now; maybe the first real something he’d ever known.
Then, there was a rumbling, and a tearing, and a yelling, and a track-suited mass of team-builders ran over the unicorn, trampling its whiteness into bloody brown. Sasha from Human Resources, her hair coming out of her ponytail, saw The Most Boring Man in the World and sweaty-eyed, yelled at him, “Come on! We can still get those darn Silverbacks if we try! Don’t lose faith in the YES!”
The Most Boring Man in the World was swept away as the Great White Sharks pounded through the forest. He thought about Arsenio Hall coming out of the water and tearing into a blood-filled burrito, thrashing it all around like a snow-white narwhal.
Once they got to the Victory Ziggurat, the Great White Sharks came in second place, behind the Bengal Tigers, who had set a new speed record for the Impairment Zone and were doing a lot of high-fiving and drinking of electrolyte-enhancing beverages. The Most Boring Man in the World sat down and cleaned the muck out of his sneakers.
At least they beat those fucking Silverbacks.