The Most Boring Man in the World – “Unicorn”

Disclaimer: As an enraged young commenter pointed out, this story is a bit sad and mean, despite also hopefully being sort of funny. If sad and mean isn’t your cup of tea, just enjoy the picture and skip this story. I won’t mind a bit. Feel free to read some of the other ones on the site, but those might be sort of sad and mean, too…for the record, I think unicorns are pretty great. Thanks. Feel free to comment.–mc

The Most Boring Man in the World had become separated from his team. He knew that this would be a mark against him in the Team-Building Scoring Matrix, but he had found it difficult to keep up with them through the Ropes Course and the Obstacle Maze and the Flag Hiding/Finding process. His foot had slipped off of a wooden beam as Sasha from Human Resources was screaming something about “staying on target” and “destroying those lame Silverbacks!” and he’d bitten the inside of his cheek. His blood tasted like batteries. He assumed that’s why his heart was able to pump; electricity provided by the pink bunny with the bass drum and the sunglasses. Not that he had a pink bunny in his heart. That would be gay.

The teams were named after Power Animals – animals that didn’t take no for an answer, just like the team-builders shouldn’t accept no, unless it was from a superior or a team leader or a client who they thought would enjoy saying no to someone and would then therefore be more likely to be a happy client. Otherwise, no No’s!

The Most Boring Man in the World’s team was called the Great White Sharks, because they were at the top of the food chain and had eyes that rolled over like black marbles when they chomped down on whatever it was they liked chomping on. Presumably, they rarely received a no. On those nature documentaries where the shark rose out of the water like a two-ton flower towards the bloody hunk of meat, its mouth would gape open and you could see the vast expanse of gum above the rows of jagged teeth, and every time, The Most Boring Man in the World thought about Arsenio Hall and his huge gums and whether his eyes rolled over like black marbles when he ate a burrito. Maybe that’s why he isn’t on TV anymore.

He wished the team had been called the Ankylosauruses because that was his favorite dinosaur when he was young, and he was pretty sure that an Ankylosaurus never had to take no for an answer, with their plated backs and armored tails. There was that one big NO from God when he threw an asteroid or whatever at earth, but if it was a no, it wasn’t a no that made the Ankylosaurus look bad in front of the other dinosaurs, which was really what you had to be worried about; being made to look bad was the worst! Instead, it was a no that killed everything on the planet, which at least was thorough, which is a good quality to have.

The Most Boring Man in the World stood in a clearing in the forest. He didn’t know how long he’d been separated from the other Great White Sharks. White flowers from a tree drifted gently down to the cool grass. A distant chiming of birdsong, lilting, yet somehow sad, echoed in the glen. That’s when he saw the unicorn.

He didn’t know what the word “iridescent” meant, but it suddenly came to mind. The animal was clean and white, with muscles sliding like the movement of a lake underneath the hide, which without touching, he knew was soft like earth. The unicorn twitched his head and the horn caught the sun, winking like a salmon leaping upstream. Bending one perfect knee, the unicorn bowed, his nose touching the ground, then looked up at The Most Boring Man in the World.

The pink bunny was working overtime as The Most Boring Man in the World bent stiffly at the waist, and looked into the unicorn’s black liquid eyes. He knew that he knew something now; maybe the first real something he’d ever known.

Then, there was a rumbling, and a tearing, and a yelling, and a track-suited mass of team-builders ran over the unicorn, trampling its whiteness into bloody brown. Sasha from Human Resources, her hair coming out of her ponytail, saw The Most Boring Man in the World and sweaty-eyed, yelled at him, “Come on! We can still get those darn Silverbacks if we try! Don’t lose faith in the YES!”

The Most Boring Man in the World was swept away as the Great White Sharks pounded through the forest. He thought about Arsenio Hall coming out of the water and tearing into a blood-filled burrito, thrashing it all around like a snow-white narwhal.

Once they got to the Victory Ziggurat, the Great White Sharks came in second place, behind the Bengal Tigers, who had set a new speed record for the Impairment Zone and were doing a lot of high-fiving and drinking of electrolyte-enhancing beverages. The Most Boring Man in the World sat down and cleaned the muck out of his sneakers.

At least they beat those fucking Silverbacks.

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32 Responses to The Most Boring Man in the World – “Unicorn”

  1. unicornlover says:

    u know unicorns are real but the real last unicorn my daddy and i store at our barn!

  2. Ruby says:

    THE POOR UNICORN ! WHAT A HORRIDE STROY WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO POST IT! I’M ONLY TWELVE AND I GOT HERE THROUGH AN IMAGE ON GOOGLE AND I DON’T NEED TO BE HEARING SUCH MEAN STORIES!

    AND WHAT THE HELL IS A SILVER BACK?

    p.s. UNICORNLOVER CAN YOU PLEASE SEND ME A PICTUER OF YOUR UNICORN IF YOU CAN! I BELIEVE IN UNICORNS BUT NO ONE ELSE DOES I ALSO BELIVE IN FARIES AND DRAGONS AND WICTHES AND CYCLOPES’ BUT I KNOW SANTA AND THE TOOTH FAIRY AREN’T REAL MY PARENTS TOLD ME THAT WHEN I WAS 10! bUT EVERYONE THINKS I’M CRAZY JUST BECAUSE I BELIVE IN SOME MYTHICAL CREATUERS OH AND I ALSO BELIVE IN MERMAIDS!

    P.P.S. THE UICORN YOU GUYS POSTED FOR YOUR WEBSITE LOOKS PHOTOSHOPED YOU SHOULDN’T RUIN THE GRACE BY DONING THAT TO A WHITE HORSE!AND I KNOW UNICORNS ARE REAL I SAWONE IN A FOREST SOMEWHERE BEHINDE MY GRANDPARENTS HOUSE IN A FOREST BUT IT RAN AWAY AND I DON’T KNOW WHY!

    • thevoiceofreason says:

      oh… i do hop you’re joking. if not i feel sorry for you. there are no unicorns, no magic, and nothing of the sort. The world is a terrible place filled with terrible things and terrible people. I feel that someone should explain that to you soon, because it will hit you like a ton of bricks when you get older. oh my… do be kidding. childhood innocence is so sad.
      When i was seven i thought i saw a leprechaun. It was just a drunk midget. i figured it out when he pulled down his pants and pissed on my dad’s shoes, because his pubes weren’t red.
      Get real kid. life sucks, there are no goddamn unicorns.

    • jill says:

      A SILVERBACK IS A GORILLA

  3. melcowan says:

    Dear Ruby,

    I agree. It is sort of a horrible story and it’s meant to be sad.

    However, I am sorry you found it by accident and were upset by it. If you’d like to yell at me more, or ask questions, go ahead.

    A silverback is a mature gorilla.

    • Jennifer S. says:

      I loved the depth in this story. I can’t explain it, but I understand it without words or thoughts. It’s morbidly poetic, and reminds me of the loss of innocence.

      “And to think I was innocent once, and Ignorance Is Not Bliss”

    • Jennifer S. says:

      I had to re-post something, after reading all the other posts. It’s really sad to see such an under-rated piece of prose getting lost to the debate of wether or not a nine year old owns a unicorn..
      The writer deserves emphamatic compliments on capturing the distruction of grace, not an arugment over a picture of something that does not exist.

  4. matt says:

    I believer in Unicorns with all my heart and soul and i beleive there are some still out there hideindg from man kind becouse in the Olden Days farmers either kept them to tame or killed them off for there horns, but dont lose hope, or faith, i still believe even tho imma guy and i hope to see a real one some day thankx matt

  5. katherine says:

    i have a unicorn at my house i know that you dont believe me but i really do

  6. katherine balls says:

    i hav an imagenery unicorn its 5 now i love it even though i am 14 years old i even play with my barbies still and my toy unicorn i just love them soooo much kat x

  7. nicola says:

    ha you’ve got a rudish life then kat

  8. BLAHBLAHBLAH says:

    yeah i think that thay are real
    i still have an amajanary horse that i talk to evan thow im 12!
    i think horses can talk aswell. but they r doing a bloddy good job at hiding it thow!
    plz send me a photo of u guyses unicorns my email is berta.racewolf@

  9. lamarib says:

    OK: is it just because I’m old that I saw it differently. It isn’t mean at all, but what happens to all our dreams sometimes. I guess you could also paint Sasha as corporate business, etc., stampeding over the dreams and visions of many people. This is a lovely piece of writing. The dream may have taken a beating, but our guy is still standing at the end (muck and all).
    Also, nice reply to the 12-year old. Thoughtful and kind! Good for you!

    • Jennifer S. says:

      Thank you. At least I feel someone is of sound mind. That is the sadness that comes when your pretty little bubble stops floating in the air, and true cognance sets in that your not going to float on a breeze forever, and that someday..your bubble is going to crash.

  10. Sophie says:

    That fooled me at first but that couldn’t be more fake! You know it’s considered meen to hurt peoples feelings! And do you know why who every posted this up I call stupied, I’m nine and I can tell some one took photo or a white hores and did something to it and did that!
    Not love,
    Sophie

  11. omg it could be so nice if it was truth…anyway i think that unicorns and fairies are living right now in the earth but we cannot see them since they live in another frequency, it is something like the ultrasounds that only the dogs are able to listen while humans ears not… we could watch in the future these amazing animals by rising up our soul and being more pure, this is my opinion 🙂

  12. I SAW A UNICORN IN IERLAND!!!

  13. what ever says:

    one this was so borin two who cares if unicorns are real or not that one isn’t but to who ever wrote it no disrespect but yous stupid (sry kids for my language) but they are how are u puutin profanity in somethin lil 10 or 12 year olds are readin?? and who is the most borning man in the world?

    • Jennifer S. says:

      Alot of the things on the internet were not meant for 10 or 12 year olds, but they find them anyways..I am prety sure this wasn’t advertised as a child’s chatroom.

  14. Erika says:

    Nah,unicorns,mermaids,fairies do exist.In million years ago.

    Unicorns.

    A unicorn is just a horse who have a horn to protect itself,but people believe that it is magical because they are fooled by their appearance.So once again,they create humours about the horns they have and hunts for them.Unicorn extincted,rather,being killed or die naturally.Well,nothing lives forever,you see.

    Mermaids.

    A creature with a body of human and a fish which lives under the deep seas like normal sea creatures,they looked magical,[again] but they are eaten by sea creatures like sharks and whale and all these.In the very deep depth of the sea,so they are rarely seen.So the people who saw it tells people,but no one believes it,so they make it an fantasy story since they can’t find any evidence of them

    People don’t make things out that easily,just like,why didn’t someone make a giaffe fly or a tiger with a horn.

    PEOPLE WHO CLAIMED THAT YOU SEE UNICORNS AT IRELAND OR OUTSIDE YORU HOUSE ARE IMAGINARY THINGS.Like how will you see them when they alredy extinct,it’s your stuffed toy or your own illusion?!

  15. I THINX YOU ARE ALL FREAKOS WHO NEED TO GET LIVES!!!!!! BUT BESIDES THAT I AM A AWARD WINNING DRAG QUEEN AND SOOOOOO PROUD OF THAT… IM CURRENTLEY SINGLE PLZ LOOK ME UP AS REDHEAD ON MYSPACE!!!!! LUV YALLLL DOLLS KEEEEPPPP BELIEVIN ☺♥☺

  16. I LUV YOU ILUV U ILUV U!!!!! P.S. THat ruby and unikorn lover are seroisly meSSED UP!!!!!! THEY NEED 2 BE PIMPED SLAPPEED BY MI SUGAR DADDY♥ AND JUST REMEBER YALLSS MAMAS ARE FATTTTT

  17. uniconr detective says:

    There are many things wrong with that photo. First of all the horn is not spiraled and is not glowing. also the mane should also be white and a unicorn would never be stupid enough to come out in the open unless there was a vergin with a gold rope. so ya

  18. mythbeliever says:

    i think unicorns are real and that the magical world is being attacked.im 13 and i not only believe but have seen fairies & a griffin & all kinds of other magical creatures (of course includes that ive seen a unicorn) ive helped them to on my cousins farm!

  19. mythbeliever says:

    so if you see a mythical creature :go up slowly and then talk quietly and smoothly(dont try to catch it ’cause it will hurt u and then run away)and it will come up to u thats how i got to talk to a unicorn and tell it if it ever needs help to come and get you.

  20. mythbeliever says:

    unicorns and fairies only come out when there is only like 1 to 5 humans in its habitat; THIS IS A FACT; cool rt!

  21. kim says:

    HA!
    i thought this story was quite funny. i am a believer, though i have never seen a unicorn myself. i guess i mostly just believe that there are unseen and unexplainable things in this world =)

    however i think this story was amusing and i dont take it as a personal vendetta against unicorn lovers. i dont know what the intention of the writer was in creating this story, but i personally thought it was quite funny (especially the part about the Ankylosaurus. lol)

    i also quite enjoyed reading the comments posted. Although i think some of you really need to start your own unicorn obsessed blog or something instead of taking such offense to this story. and learn to spell correctly first.

    oh and rock on Fatty is what your mom is! you work it drag queen! lol.

  22. diana says:

    i don’t think that is one…. i do belive its just thats errrrr well it dosent seem real but i hope i see one some day my friend says she had one named jasmine and she showed me this picture and said it was herrrr i think shes lying thoo… but still their real as people

  23. SurfingNinja9 says:

    Nice short story.

    Also I love it when angsty tweens cry about stupid shit. You’re going to find stuff you don’t like on the internet, get over it. The rest of the world doesn’t care about you. You’ll learn this later.

  24. Phoenix says:

    Nice story and all, but retarded comments!

  25. ha-ha says:

    Nice picture. Poor unicorn.
    ps; this comes up on the FIRST page of google, when you search ‘unicorn’ in images.

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