The Most Boring Man in the World stared at his staple remover for six of his 7.5 hours at work today.
During most of that time, he was imagining that he was a caveman who had killed a sabertooth tiger and was bringing it back to the other cavemen, but mainly he was bringing it back to that super hot cavegirl Scarlett who wore deerskin leggings and smeared berry juice under her eyes to make her look more mysterious and smelled less like sweat and poo than the other cavegirls, who were more cavewomen anyway, and didn’t really have the je ne sais quoi that Scarlett did because they were always gathering roots or having babies or scratching their nether regions. Scarlett never needed to scratch, or if she did, she did so discreetly.
When The Most Boring (Cave)Man in the World brought the sabertooth tiger back to the cavemen and dropped it at their dirty feet, Scarlett rushed over and with her pillowy lips whispered, “You are the man for my just barely covered loins, o Tiger-Killer Who Rides the Thunder. I just gave you that name right now because I looked in your heart and knew that it was your name. Let’s rumble in my jungle.” Scarlett also spoke very eloquently, unlike the other girls who just grunted and had babies.
The other cavemen stared and envied the Most Boring Tiger-Killer Who Rides the Thunder as he and Scarlett skipped back to her cave and totally did it like three times, while the firelight played over their bodies and made it look like an awesome Cinemax movie with shadows on the walls and flowing white curtains. Passions were expressed. Then, they ate berries out of each other’s navels.
After pleasing his lady to the point of exhaustion, the Most Boring Tiger-Killer Who Rides the Thunder and His New Cavegirl Scarlett like a Harley stepped out of her cave and spoke to the crowd who had been standing there in awe, listening to the sounds of his lovepower. In a deep voice, he called out to them, “I am your fucking king, oh dirty cavepeople. I have killed the sabertooth tiger and have banged your hottest cavegirl. She’s totally my girlfriend now, so don’t even think about trying to have babies with her.”
The fangs of the sabertooth tiger were brought to him on a necklace, which he placed on his bronzed and jacked chest that was muscled, but not too muscled in a weird veiny way. “We are now entering the golden age of our people. I will lead you to the promised land that you didn’t even know about. Because of my advanced knowledge of the future, I am going to rule you with a beneficent hand for all time, with my hot lady Scarlett by my side.”
He flung his arms wide in a gesture of gracious victory over his new cave subjects. They all bowed before him.
The Most Boring Man in the World realized that he had really flung his arms out and knocked over his apple juice onto his Mac mini, which was now sputtering and making bad whirring sounds. The Most Boring Man in the World stared at the dying computer. Oh man, he was going to have to fill out so many forms about this.
