I have watched the debacle about Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Obama with no small amount of consternation. Pundits are losing their punds over Wright’s allegations that both the AIDS virus and the proliferation of drugs within inner city communities was caused by white people. He’s also been accused of black separatism and anti-Semitism. He’s also intimated that America had itself to blame for the attacks of 9/11, due to bombing Hiroshima and Nagasaki (and a few other places along the way.) In short, he’s an angry, angry, black man.
And I think it’s fantastic.
How in the name of Harriet Beecher Stowe are black people not supposed to be angry at white people? You think because a white guy directed the Roots miniseries that it’s “cool” now? Is the fact that Jay-Z goes platinum in the heartland where corn-fed kids bump him in mall parking lots irrefutable evidence that we’ve worked it all out? The only thing that proves is that Jay-Z sounds really good, no matter where you play him.
Most of the work has already been done in terms of refuting the big attacks on Wright: he’s defended himself admirably against the claims of black separatism, and the Anti-Defamation League has not found any evidence of anti-Semitism. And those guys are really looking.
So: AIDS and drugs…were they caused by the white man? Do both of those claims sound a bit irrational to you? You know who makes irrational statements from time to time? Angry people. In this case, an angry, ANGRY black man. You know who else has said irrational things while angry? Me. I once claimed that the Dave Matthews Band would cause ear cancer. You know what? I’ve never apologized for it either.
Anger clouds judgment, as your personal Zen master will remind you. Perhaps people who are espousing these claims are working under false assumptions, based on poor information, gathered in the heat of anger, wanting to believe in the worst…Fortunately, we don’t know anybody like that.
So, if it’s easier to write AIDS and the crack epidemic off of your white guilt slate, go ahead. But you know what black people can still be angry about? Slavery. Yep. We did that. That was us. We made lots of money off of it, too. We also lynched and stole and raped and tied people to bumpers by chains and dragged them for five miles over Texas backroads, so don’t act all surprised when an angry, angry, black man like Jeremiah Wright brings down some thunder and lightning on your ass.
Now for the proposal part of this missive: even though this flap has cost him some support, Obama’s the presumptive Democratic nominee. But he needs a running mate. This scandal has opened up the discourse on race in America, so why not lean into it, Senator? Continue the debate with a running mate who will keep those floodgates open? In short, I am proposing that Senator Obama pick, as his running mate, an Angry Black Man.
I don’t wish to delve into the nastiness of questioning Obama’s “blackness”, as if it’s a Hot or Not rating, but I think we can agree that Obama is not an Angry Black Man. So which Angry Black Man or Woman would be the best running mate? Even though there are no doubt many qualified men and women to fill this role, as The Wordhole’s first foray into politics, I would like to nominate as Senator Obama’s vice-presidential candidate, a man of vision; a man with great verbal dexterity; a man of the people:
Lil’ Wayne.
That’s right, America. Weezy F. Baby for VP. Ask yourself if you’ve done as much work today as DeWayne Michael Carter, Jr. The answer is: you haven’t. Put that work ethic in the White House (note: there may have to be a name change – just a heads-up), and shit is gonna start cooking.
Other bona fides include a broad interpretation of Second Amendment rights, which could extend Obama’s appeal to the traditionally conservative NRA base, an outspoken commitment to safe sex programs and a debate style that will leave his opponents in flames. Tell me you wouldn’t want to see that mealy-mouthed Mitt Romney get stuck in Weezy’s sixteen-bar shark cage.
Keep in mind: the vice-president really doesn’t have to do that much, unless you’ve got a joke president, which soon we won’t have. So, we’re really looking for a complement to Obama’s talents and skills, and that is a man who wrote a song about how a shotgun’s recoil makes it look like you’re dancing. That’s a man who will appeal to a…different demographic.
Then there’s the morbid reason for the Obama camp to bring on a guy like Weezy: there might be a bearded, shaved-head white power fucker out there with a yen for taking out a president whose name rhymes with Osama, but if tatted-up, ‘roided-out, nickel-plated Lil’ Wayne is the next man in line for the job, those swastika types are going to keep the sniper rifle in the closet and keep praying for Ragnarok.
The list of good reasons goes on: press conferences would be WAY more fun, Air Force II would get an amazing chrome job, and I think we could count on the Best Rapper Alive to come up with something more dope than “Hail to the Chief.” But most importantly, we would be able to definitively answer the question: what would happen if that phone rang at 3 A.M?
Easy. Lil’ Wayne, an angry, ANGRY black man, would answer it.
And the motherfucker who was calling at 3 AM would NEVER call back.
